Despite the efforts of all involved parties to deny the matter, it can now be confirmed that former Vice President Dick Cheney and radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh will be running together in 2012 for the offices of President and Vice President respectively.
A series of hitherto top-secret negotiation sessions have been ongoing between both men since Limbaugh’s speech at this year’s CPAC. A top aide of Cheney under protection of anonymity said, “Dick had never heard Rush talk before, since he was always busy whenever his show was on running around between offices and greeting the third part-time deputy sub-assistant to the official window washer of whatever podunk third world country was in town when W couldn’t be bothered; stuff like that. He was more blown away by Rush than he tried to do with poor Harry Whittington. The hook-up was natural.”
The aide went on to explain what initially sparked Cheney’s desire to run for the highest office in the land. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Every word out of the current administration has been ‘it’s all Bush’s fault; it’s all Cheney’s fault.’ Whatever. Dick’s decided since they’re going to harp on him like the election’s still going on and he’s running against them, he might as well do it for real. The moment he mentioned this to Rush he said ditto for him and he was all in.”
While officially stating there was no comment, one of Limbaugh’s assistants confided, “I haven’t seen the boss this happy since his new MacBook Pro arrived. He’s already making plans to broadcast the show live from the Oval Office once a week. Cheney’s cool with it as long as he doesn’t touch any of the buttons under the desk.” When asked if the duties of office would interfere with his media work the assistant snorted, “Oh yeah right. Like Cheney was actually busy the past eight years. C’mon. What does a Vice President have to do? Invent the Internet?”
The two will make a joint appearance to announce their candidacy on April first at Plainfield Teachers College in Pennsylvania, where they will be introduced by the school’s venerable head football coach Johnny Chung. In addition to declaring their intention to run, Cheney and Limbaugh will announce the formation of a PAC, name yet to be determined, to assist them in their efforts.
When asked for a reaction, an Obama adviser had this to say: “I knew it! I knew it knew it knew it! See? See?!! I told you Limbaugh was the leader of the Republican party! And Cheney’s evil! Abu Ghraib! Katrina! David Cook over David Archuleta on American Idol! It’s all a plot against Obama! IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT!!!”
The New York Times will report the story when they get around to it.
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