First off, Collective Soul has been a favorite of mine since 1994 as well. The single, “Shine,” came out right about the time my wife and I started dating: June
10, 1994. I find it amazing how many bands I enjoy wind up in your blog (U2, Collective Soul, The Lost Dogs and their respective band-members’ many projects, etc.). U2′s “Magnificent” is my favorite song right now. I must also thank you for turning me onto Marillion’s “Uninvited Guest.” I ended up buying it on iTunes.

Secondly, because of my great-great-grandfather (Peter Hasney) playing for them in the old American Association, my love of the color green, and their Philadelphia roots, the A’s are my favorite AL team. The Phillies are my NL team who have once again gained respectability. I pray they never meet in the World Series and make me choose.

On to the reason for my writing…

I have mentioned the loss of my wife in 2007 before (two years ago today was the prayer service for her where the elders of the church anointed her with oil and prayed over her). I had the utmost faith in God throughout her cancer fight. I had no quarrel with God when He called her home because she “set me free” the month before with a speech that I shall share later on. My faith was such that I said, “Thy will be done.”

Since then, in matters much smaller than life and death, I find myself fretting and wrangling as if that faith I had before was a mirage or applicable only in the most dire consequences. I find that doubt comes in when we leave room for faith but do not fill in the blank. So, the blank gets filled in by doubt instead. It’s up to us to erase and rewrite in the formerly blank spaces.

I say, with a broken spirit and wounded pride, that I have learned this the hard way – and still need to remind myself of this daily. Charles Stanley preached years ago on writing a journal of things that God has done for us so that we never forget His victories past when new challenges rise to meet us. I wish I had followed that advice then instead of simply relying on my usually sharp memory. However, one thing that the enemy and doubt cannot take away is the victory I saw when the Lord moved me to share the Gospel with my best friend and he was saved four months after me – in 1991. I know God was using me – I really was nothing more than a vessel much like the way I became when I was strong for my wife and our family in our darkest hours. Anyway, I need only recall my friend’s current walk and change in his life to remind myself that God has answered past prayers. I pray that He will remind you of similar things in your past. It’s sort of a “D’oh!” moment when it happens and I recall His Spirit accomplishments in my life. Then I thank and praise Him all over again.

Were it not for Him, I never…

would have changed churches,
would have met my wife,
would have my son, etc.

It’s quite amazing when I think about it – and more amazing how easy it is to resort to doubt than remember those things which are concrete reminders.

I hope it is apparent that I am writing this to myself as much as to you. Thank you for inspiring me to write this out, Jerry.

In 7 days’ time, I will mark the second anniversary of Mary’s death. However, as she said to me on April 14, 2007, I am not to miss her… not in earthly terms. Because to miss her in those terms, she said, is to want her back and that would have to be in the body she had at that moment. She said if God takes her home she would never again have to endure the many things a cancer patient does (she then spouted a list of tests and procedures she no longer has to bear). I had to pull over as we were driving in Wildwood Crest – at the beach, her favorite place to be. So, she did me a world of good that day, despite the pain it caused at that moment. I now no longer miss her in earthly terms because I know where she is because, as U2 says, “I Will Follow.”

Thanks for your informative and thought-provoking blogs, Jerry. They do me much good. See you here, there, or in the air!

In God’s grace, mercy, and love,
Michael Gross

I am where you are. We will make it.

It’s an inherent fact that it is easier for us humans to deal with issues outside of ourselves, be caring and understanding, offer solace, prayers for others… When the view needs to be turned inwards, we are our own worst critic. Slow to admit when we need help because somehow that would make the world view us as weak. In reality why do we care what others think? At the risk of sounding self-centered, I’m beginning to understand that we all should learn how to put ourselves first before spreading thin among family and friends… My thoughts are with you