Ah well.

Other than obligatory attempts at on the side semi-jokes, such as “I’m sure Apple will notice this means I won’t be ordering an iPad 3 anytime soon,” it’s difficult to sort out all the tangled threads of thought and feeling running through my mind and heart at the moment. But I’ll try.

1. Frustration at not getting the position for which I believed I was perfect, wondering if this means I either overestimated my qualifications, failed to present myself properly or indeed was overshadowed by whoever was chosen. I’m sure there are other possibilities, but these are the three that most readily come to mind.

 

2. Frustration at still being on the job hunt, which at times greatly resembles a snipe hunt albeit far more ego-deflating.

 

3. The need to make sure I don’t focus so much on #1 and #2 that I sink into depression and despair.

 

4. The alternate possibility that the Big Boss (no, not the person to whom I would have been reporting) has something better in mind, although I hope He doesn’t mind if I grouse at Him a bit about this dragging on even further.

 

5. The alternate possibility that while I was right for the position, the position and/or the company weren’t right for me.

 

6. The reality that while #4 and #5 have tremendous merit, it hurts a lot to come so close and be disappointed.

I know it’s necessary to avoid defeatism based on the false premise that this was it, I blew my chance and I might as well pack it in. I also know I have no time for self-pity and I need to get back into my routine of daily job searching and applying without delay. In fact, I filled out eight applications this morning prior to being given the bad news, so I’m good for today and will be back at it tomorrow.

Still, it hurts. It’s going to hurt for a while, and doubtless will nag at me until I do get a job. However, as the title of this post states, at least I made it to the finals for the first time in this maddening, soul-sucking if you let it process.

Acknowledge the hurt and roll with the changes. And keep on rockin’.

1. So, after pestering Peter Ingemi for months to appear on his weekly radio program, he graciously agrees to have me on today to talk about the book…

    

   … and I forget.

2. The California GOP is meeting today in my neck of the woods…

    

   … and I was completely unaware.

3. Erik Telford from the Franklin Center is at a Citizens Watchdog Training seminar in San Francisco today…

    

   … again, completely unaware.

Like I said, I’m three degrees of awesomesauce today.

This self-defeating feldergarb has got to stop. Like, now.

I’ll get back into the writing mode sometime. Hopefully soon.

First Mother’s Day without Mom, check.

Guitar of my dreams no longer at store because someone else bought it, check. (Didn’t have enough saved up for it; as it was used and at a substantial savings even though in mint condition now I’ll need to save up a lot more.)

Sharks lose, check.

Trifecta, although the latter two are more irritants than anything else, especially in light of the first.

Still, would have preferred them to come another day, given that they would no doubt insist on coming regardless of whatever date appeared on the calendar.

Ah well.

The sun will come up tomorrow, thus rendering any excuse I have to not do the same invalid.

Some days, you lose. You deal.

There will be wins.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and concern.

That leaves the esophagus and air passageways in my lung thickening issue. I have an appointment with a pulmonologist next Tuesday, so hopefully that will start the process of getting that mess cleansed.

I have been fighting some nasty and lengthy stretches of dizziness the past few days, but I suspect those are allergy-related and not connected to other issues.

One down, one to go. Thank you all so much for your prayers, and please keep ‘em coming.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your prayers and concern.

If y’all please keep praying I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

ADDENDUM: Thanks to KillTruck for the link.

Anyway, he called yesterday with the test results. Staph infection. At least in the sinuses; he suspects there may be something else going on with the throat and chest. Tests on that forthcoming.

In the meanwhile, it’s back on antibiotics for the fourth time in five months. Hopefully this time they’ll do the trick. I’d really like to stop sporadically coughing up nasty gunk throughout the day, and I’d dearly love to start pursuing the voice-over work that was beginning to shape up when all this started happening.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

ADDENDUM: Thanks to Jennifer Dailing Waite for the kind words and prayers.

Yesterday was my Mom’s first birthday.

First, in that it was the first one she wasn’t here to celebrate.

Those of who who belong to the unfortunate fellowship know that the first time without is brutal. First birthday, anniversary, holiday; none come and go without leaving their mark.

The hope and prayer is one learns how to accept pain, allowing its bitter medicine to flow through you. It is going to be there regardless of any efforts to thwart or divert its arrival. Best one comes to acknowledge the icy talons as they grip you.

Pain can harden, but it can also soften. It cam embitter, but it can also empower empathy. We cannot control or prevent its presence. We can, however, by entrusting our hearts to the nail-pierced hands remain clear of its darkness, instead entering into the light of Christ’s love for which pain is a mirror.

Our tears are prisms through which we can see a hue unimaginable to the naked eye. In its color we can see we are never alone in our suffering. We can see past the sting and sorrow into a promised Tomorrow, paid for with His blood, in which the tears will be wiped away while the Light and love we saw through them remains for all eternity.

We grieve today. Tomorrow, we will rejoice.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you. See you when it’s time to come Home.